In A Town, USA


The back alley of Foap’s Main Street apartments


On Thursday a local landlord named Harrison Foap lectured on the dangers of nasty behavior during the city council meeting. Foap claims that the town has turned sour towards him for what he claims to be, “… the worst reasons. No one really knows why, they say they know why, but they don’t. And I know, because I’ve got the best people telling me so.”

Foap’s claim comes after he recently declared that he did not have to hold his properties to a certain quality standard. What started as a claim that his tenants needed to be more responsible for the maintenance of his properties,  has evolved into much more. Many female tenants that the neglect of his properties is accompanied with gross and forceful sexual advances.

“After I called in to the Foap office, they assured me that the trash in my hallway would be taken care of.” said Jenny Remmington who lives in one of Foap’s apartment complexes. “But when I came home the other day, instead of maintenance, I was greeted by Harrison himself. He pointed to the trash and told me that the ‘nasty mess was my fault.’ In the end I had to pick it up myself, while Foap watched.”

Foap, when questioned about this event laughed it off, “Oh yeah, her. Did you know she’s really nasty. I’ve seen her picking up trash with her bare hands. She’s claiming now I tried to grope her while she was flattening pizza boxes. Who does that? Not me. You ever see a woman with trash? That’s not sexy.” A chorus of laughter from his entourage ensued.

Remmington is not alone though. Many women who reside in Foap’s properties have reported increasingly odd behavior. In fact when Foap stood up to speak at the council meeting, he was met with open hostility. “I don’t understand how he can show his face” Councilman Conrad Dannon said with fury. “He has several cases of fraud, and harassment in the courts right now, and it’s moronic for him to put a spotlight on himself. Maybe he wants to be caught.”

However not everyone has been rejecting the slum lord. While Foap was greeted with a large amount of hostility, there were still those who supported him in the meeting. Mainly white, and from the outskirts of town, his supporters were fervent that it is Remmington’s as well as other tenant’s faults for the messes that Foap’s properties have accumulated.

“I’ve driven by there a few times, and Foap’s name is in big letters that are clean! How could someone who takes so much pride in his name be responsible for other people’s garbage. I think it’s proof that the county is working against him.” said Jim Gelps who is on and off again drinking buddies with Foap.

Foap has not had the best track record with the county. Many of his friends and family say that there is a conspiracy against him. Claims have surfaced from his office saying that the city bombards his phone and mailbox with hateful, nasty fees and complaints.

A representative from the city claims that there is no such conspiracy, and they are simply trying to collect his taxes.

Local Radio Host Puts Dobbs to Shame

 In A Town, USAridge_radio_studio

Tim Carraine, the host of Pigs & Elephants, a conservative talk show, has revolutionized common decency. Top of the list of needed changes, a new database of sexual assault victims. The list is said to have the name, phone, and address of each victim who has filed with Any Town Police.

The databases’ purpose is to make sure that those who have been exploited can be put out to the mob’s kind words. Carraine has said, “If they have already been allegedly taken advantage of, then the people deserve to send their thoughts.”

The people that Carraine has successfully ousted are now expressing their gratitude in droves on social media. Among them is Caroline Becker, a bartender in Any Town. Becker states that she has seen her phone blowing up lately with only kind words and support.

“I don’t know what I was afraid of!” Becker stated on her twitter page. “I thought that society would blame me, but thanks to conservative white males, I can finally feel vindicated.” Among the well wishes for Becker, there has been an outpour of help extended to her as well as other victims.

“I guess the biggest positive is that I was never blamed.” Becker said when reached by phone. “You always hear about people heartless online, but Carraine has showed me the masses of America are only well intentioned.”

Carraine on the other hand has different thoughts on the matter.

“I just don’t understand.” Carraine said while he dug his grave. “The people have this list of women who were loose, and couldn’t just say no- now what they’re doing, it’s just deplorable.”

A small crowd has formed outside of Carraine’s Any Town home, filled with well-wishers. Many within the crowd are also victims that were published in the list. Signs expressing, “Finally We have Peace” and “Thank God for White Men to Keep us Safe from other White Men.”

“It really is great.” Nancy Jennings, a mom within the crowd said. “I cannot think of a more noble cause than helping those who have been victimized. Why else would you publish details about victims? Any other reason, and you would have to be an asshole.”

Carraine has yet to respond on whether or not he is an asshole.


In a Town, USAsmartphone

Given the rise of a smartphones and other devices in recent years, many Americans are turning to creative solutions to get their ‘tech fix’. After years of research into the phenomenon Dr. Kyle Fein has concluded that implantation will be the next natural step.

“You see, it’s because our hands and necks adjust to checking the time, to catching a Squirtle that pops up.” Fein has said about his findings. When pressed further for information Fein went on, “It’s not that it’s a bad thing. My wife and sons all have their devices out, and we have a great family life. We don’t even need to talk to each other anymore!”

Fein is not alone in his opinion, and has gathered quite a following. He has also picked up many detractors. Dr. Heather Graham has been outspoken on the possibilities of Fein’s work. While she lectured at the Hiawatha Community College cafeteria Graham said, “The idea that we will evolve into our creations is absurd. We don’t have wheels because of cars, or wings because of planes.”

The claim that humans have neither evolved wings or wheels has been proven mostly true.

“The simple fact is that there are more important ways sciences and discovery can be utilized than working on making Angry Birds a part of your wrist.” Graham said in her fiery lecture to thirteen students, and the barista who had to wait for the lecture to end for his shift to be done.

“Really I don’t know about any of this” The barista said in a comment. “I just want to go home and watch some Netflix.”


Locker Room Talk

In A town, USA

Jeremy Timmons did not speak out much in school. He knew that he should speak his mind, but everything seemed too complex for him to convey. His teachers all said the same thing, “Bright young man, I just don’t know if he’s mute.”

This sentiment spread from teachers to students. As one could guess, the students were much less kind. Jeremy tucked his head into his chest as he walked through the halls. Jocks joked he needed to look down to make sure his feet didn’t get tangled. Nerds claimed he was simple, and needed to confirm the ground was still there. The weirdos, though, they saw their kindred spirit as he tried to get by.

It wasn’t until the first day of gym in Jeremy’s second semester (he didn’t take it the first semester to delay the inevitable).  Shorts were needed for class, which Jeremy didn’t understand because he ran just fine in his jeans when chased. Still, there was no choice in the matter, and he didn’t want to face his father with a report card with any trace of failure.

After forgetting his change of clothes twice, Jeremy was given the dreaded ultimatum. He lamented silently in his head that he could not be hit by a car, and never need to be alone with his peers in a locker room. That night when he was home, he did his homework to show he followed the daily news on the campaign trail. It was then that Jeremy finally heard his voice and thoughts mimicked. And his excitement grew.

The walk across the gym floor to the dreaded bleach scented den of nudity made him feel like an inmate on death row. Jeremy reassured himself that he now knew how to convey himself. Everything would be okay if he just worked with what he knew.

When the heavy metal door swung open, and the scent of body spray singed his nostrils, Jeremy was taken aback. Here was the fraternity he needed in life. Each and every one of them was naked and as defenseless as he felt in his daily life. Cool clothes didn’t matter, and who you were was irrelevant. Here were men.

As he changed they jested about what could be going on in the girl’s locker room right next door. How they waited for the men to barge in and take them. How they needed to be pushed down and taught their way. This was the urge Jeremy needed to fulfill.

Every frustration, and held back thought came pouring out. He knew that someone in the scheme of life was to be shit upon, and he assumed it was him. As he joked with varsity athletes, future scholars, and influential businessmen, Jeremy felt a sense of relief.

Jeremy Timmons finally understood how to be a man.